My Higher Power is John Stamos
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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