We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
