Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
