Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
