was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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