he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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