Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
