Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
