i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Semen is not good for contacts.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
