You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
