i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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