once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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