I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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