I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
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Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.