I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What a dumb baby whore.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....