Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
