kristin has been a bad kristin
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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