two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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