I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
