insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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