i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
