and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
