all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
