So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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