Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
