after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
