Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
