a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
