i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
