Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
