Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
