what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
All I want is dick and wine.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
