When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
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He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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