i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
