we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
