i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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