My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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