i can't believe i had my finger in that
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
