I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i drank out of a bidet.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize