either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
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