My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
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Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
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Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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