Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
