I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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