naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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