Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
pop tarts are not kleenex
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
