is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
