So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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