i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
