I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
