I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
