guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
