Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
