I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
