8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
