He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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