You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
