Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
