i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
