Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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