of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
