Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
