Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
